He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
Randomize
