btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
Randomize
