I just peed in my kitchenbs sinlk. New low- maybe. am i embarrassed? Not in the least
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
