Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
Randomize
