Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize
