I haven't been this sober since birth.
Instead of a promise ring i got my clit peirced, its a promise that ill always give you ass! =]
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
Randomize
