do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
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