apparently the secret to your success is patron
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
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