My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
