Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
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