Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
talk about how much treatments for your hpv hurts
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
Randomize
