My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
