i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
Randomize
