people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
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