I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Randomize
