Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
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