can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Randomize
