I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
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