glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
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