i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
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