P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
Fuck me I smell like cheese
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Randomize
