is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
