definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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