woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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