The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
Randomize