yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Randomize
