u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
