yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.