Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
