My entire life is one complicated drinking game
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
Randomize
