like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Randomize
