The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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