i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Randomize
