I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
