i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Randomize
