Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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