I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
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