theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Randomize