I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
