I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
Randomize
