True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
I got her a Nickelback box set.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
