I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
