i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
