So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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