i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
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