broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
Randomize
