I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize