If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Randomize
