you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
Randomize
