Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Randomize
