So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
