Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
