I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
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