Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
