Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
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