You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
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