what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
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