hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
