I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
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