i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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